Understanding Your Relationship with Money

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Whenever we say that we want more money, less debt, or more
possessions, what we are really saying is that we want a feeling. Money and
possessions have no power. Power comes from the feeling we get from having
money and possessions. In order to determine your money values, you need
to determine what feelings are most important to you. If you want to
have a lot of money so that you can do what you like, when you like,
you're seeking a feeling of freedom -- this is your value. If you want to
live in a beautiful home and live an affluent lifestyle, then you want
to feel prosperous. If you want to know that there will always be enough
money to pay the bills, retire in peace, and know you'll never have to
worry about money again, you want to feel secure.

Recently, I moved into an old home, which I intend to renovate. My
house has a very old but functional kitchen, which I don't like much but
which I know I can live with for a while. This old kitchen has turned out
to be one of life's blessings in disguise as I've learned quite a lot
about money values from it.

When my eldest daughter, Lisa, first saw the kitchen, she said, "The
first thing you have to get rid of is that kitchen." Lisa likes nice
things and doesn't like to wait for them. My youngest daughter, Laura, is
more security conscious, hates spending money, and likes to save, and
she said, "There is nothing wrong with that kitchen. Why would you want
to change it?"

The kitchen evoked three different responses in three different people,
and that's the way it is with money. We are all different, and how we
earn, manage, spend, save, and invest our money depends on our money
values. The key to achieving your financial goals and living a life you
love is to know your money values, then find a way to manage your money
that respects these values.

Once I realized that my kitchen was a gauge for assessing money values,
I decided to make the most of it. I started listening to what people
were really telling me about their money values when they made any
comments. A carpenter commented, "Nice kitchen." When I asked him if he was
being sarcastic, he looked genuinely surprised, and I learned from
subsequent conversations that he is very security conscious. When my former
secretary, Lisa, came to visit and said, "Good size kitchen," I
recognized this statement for what it was--a nice, neutral comment that was
more about politeness than real feelings. So when I said that I disliked
it and intended replacing it, she said, "Well, I didn't want to be rude
by commenting on it." Another friend said, "Don't worry about the
inside, what's important is to get the outside of the house looking good
first."

What all these people told me is how they feel about money and what is
most important to them. The most common money values are freedom,
prosperity, and security. Although it is important to honor your money
values, it is equally important how you do this. When you pursue a feeling
to the exclusion of all else, you may find yourself in financial
difficulties.

It would be easy to assume that everybody with the same money values
has the same need, but they don't. One person's desire for freedom may
mean that he simply cannot work for an employer, while another person may
be quite happy working for an employer provided he is not tied down by
financial responsibilities. One person may want more money so he can do
what he likes, while another may not care about money but wants the
freedom to be creative.

To discover your own money values, ask yourself these questions: If I
was really happy and money was no object, what type of home would I live
in? Who would I live with? Where would I live? What work would I do?
What would I do with my leisure time? Who would I share my leisure time
with? What would I look like? When making your choices, write down
everything you think, and don't discount an idea because it seems too grand
or too small. Once you've completed this exercise, look to see if one
value is more dominant than any other. This is the value that you need
to honor in a responsible way. Usually, one value will stand out, but
this isn't always the case--some people can have two values that are
equally important to them, and in this case you need to honor both values.

All money values have a positive side and a negative side, and learning
to balance the two is the key to success. There's a lot we can learn
from security conscious people because they are good with money. On the
negative side, though, they can be overly cautious and as a result miss
out on opportunities. In contrast, if you value prosperity, you know
what's important to you, and quite simply, beauty is something that makes
you happy. However, this needs to be balanced with being responsible
and making choices that are going to help you over the longer term.

Whatever your money values, there is always a way to earn, manage, and
achieve goals in a way that honors what's most important to you. If you
are in a relationship with a partner who has different money values
than you, you have an opportunity to learn, grow, and prosper. Couples
with differing money values who work together are often the most
financially successful because they balance each other. Sometimes, in a
relationship, one person gives his power away to his partner, giving up his own
desires for the sake of harmony. In an equal relationship, both parties
have an equal say. If your partner refuses to respect your needs or to
take responsibility for himself, then you need to look at what
opportunity your relationship is presenting you with. You may need to love and
respect yourself more. You do this by setting standards and letting
other people know what you will and will not do.

You also need to be aware that if you are not prepared to change your
behavior in any way, and that applies to the really extravagant as well
as to the extremely security conscious, what is behind your behavior is
fear. In this case, money problems are just a symptom of a deeper issue
that needs to be dealt with.

Your money values hold the key to financial freedom, so rather than
cursing money, start loving it, and look for the gift in your current
situation.

Copyright By Anne Hartley
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